ECHOES OF UNREQUITED LOVE

 

 Written by: Mfoniso Usen. 

It’s been three minutes since I sent the text, and he still hasn’t replied. I heard my phone beep. Hurriedly I checked, smiling, thinking it was him. My heart sank and I dropped my phone in disappointment when I realized it was just a message from my network provider. 

I went through our chats. They keep me alive. His messages make my cheeks flush with happiness, and I can’t help but smile and blush whenever I am on the phone. When he’s too busy and unavailable, I check them to reassure myself and to feel close to him. 

I especially love reading them in his voice. 

I checked the last chat. 

I sent that immediately I woke up. 

Oh, to have someone you dream about at night and daydream about in the morning. It’s almost midnight and I’m fighting the urge to message him. I try to ignore the fact that he replies faster to sexual messages. I know he is fine and not busy with work. My heart sanked to my stomach, my throat tightened, my body flushed with heat. It was hard convincing myself that he cares about me, that he feels the same way. Even though he only replies to my text every other hour, I kept fighting. 

If I don’t call first there’s never a conversation. Do you really want to talk to me or are you just replying my texts? 

Could you relate to that? 

No, this isn’t an article to tell you to do better, to motivate you, or to convince you that he’s not worth it and is an asshole for not seeing your worth. I just want to validate your feelings.

I wonder what goes on in the mind of those we love whole heartedly but who do not reciprocate our affection. Who do not love us correctly, who do not appreciate our feelings.

Oh, how powerless we feel without them, how we constantly think of them, how they are so perfect in and out . The fantasies and daydreams we have about them, the fairytales we create. We long to see them, to hear their voice. And they do talk to us and see us, but not in the way we want or deserve, not as in the script we’ve mentally created. We overlook it and make excuses for their behavior, believing their words: “I’ve been busy all day.”

We convince our love-struck minds that they are right, until it happens so often that we can no longer convince our minds. Our minds urge us to face reality, to see us through their lenses. When we look, we see how foolish we appear. We realize they aren’t too busy they just don’t prioritize us. So, we decide to test them. 

We do not text or call them for an hour, then a day,two days, three days, until a week passes. We start to have mini panic attacks fearing that maybe we wasted our time and will never spend time with our perfect someone. We resist the urge to call or text, but sometimes we give in and the cycle continues. 

It’s been two months now. It doesn’t hurt anymore. The pain has subsided; no more mini panic attacks or fleeting thrills. You think about it occasionally and when they cross your mind, the feelings resurface—a mix of hurt and love. You wonder if these feelings are real. Your friends don’t like them leaving you alone to analyze these feelings.

Are you just obsessed, or do you really love them?

Will you ever find someone who appreciate your feelings?

Will you ever trust someone to reciprocate your love?

Will you ever trust anyone again?

Will you ever let anyone in again?

Why did they hurt you? Are you the problem?

What will the future hold?

Is it limerance or love?

Your phone beeps. 

What are the odds, you wonder. 

The universe sure has a way of testing you. 

Are you going to reply?